I See Dead Clothing

MOI: Okay, Pirate, I’m going to make my one and only prediction for 2010. And it’s a bitch as much as it’s a prediction. Although it pains me to say it, all signs so far point to the fact that the economy in the New Year is going to suck even more verily than it did this year. Heck, y’all thought we had to tighten our belts in 2009? In 2010, we’ll have to sell them to pay the utilities.

While I’m the first person to admit I’m easily distracted by brand new shiny objects, most especially shoes, I’m also frugal and realistic. I know there’s only so far I’m going to be able to stretch my retail fashion dollar next year, and it won't be much beyond the tips of my fingers. But that's okay. We can still make lemonade out of the lemons. Here's how:

1. Reuse. These days, it's nearly impossible to score the kind of bargains that were a dime a dozen back in the Big Bad Eighties when I first started scouting vintage and thrift stores for the bulk of my wardrobe. Still, if you’re savvy and patient, you can still snag a bargain or two on occasion.

Case in point: three weeks ago, I bid on and won this mint condition vintage Norma Kamali OMO dress in the most gorgeous silk/rayon blend, with ruffles at the shoulders and fish tail hem.


Only set me back five dolla, plus a few bucks for shipping. This dress looks like it was worn maybe a handful of times before being relegated to the back of someone's closet until that someone dug it out and listed it on eBay. Now it belongs to Moi, and believe me, I will most definitely give it the attention it deserves. Perfect right now with a tissue turtleneck and lace up suede riding boots (also vintage – I’ve had them since college), and later with a pair of sky high tee strap sandals to a friend’s wedding.

2. Recycle: Last month, Pirate and I headed up to Santa Fe for the Recycled Art Festival and found among its dozens of vendors a veritable cornucopia of recycled (or upcycled, if you will) fashion – everything from jewelry to hats to handbags. I snagged this lovely piece from the Arroyo Secco-based Secco Pearl recycled clothing collective for only $20:


Last year, I apparently managed to charm, er, wear down, Santa Fe costume designer and dedicated upcycler, Julie Anderson, to the point where she let me take home one of her demented doll head clutches at a deeply discounted price.



3. Rethink. Shopping your closet and casting your old pieces of still-wearable clothing in a new light can provide the same small thrill as lifting up a sofa cushion and finding enough change to score a bag of Cheetos and a Fresca. These days, doing the vintage shop thing is as expensive as paying retail and the thrift shop thing is only fun if you have all day to comb through stacks and stacks of clothing, some of it so hideously unappealing, it's easy to get deflated by the sheer fuggliness of it all before you even start.

Instead, shop consignment. Sure, I’d kill for the financial ability to clean out Bergdorf’s in my Galliano gown, but that ain’t likely to ever happen in this lifetime. So when I'm not shopping sales or on-line discount sites, I'm headed to my favorite consignment shop, the simply smashing Two Time Couture. Clothing consignment boutiques like Two Time are not only a great place to sell unwanted shoes, boots, clothing, and handbags, they're also a great place to pick up designer clothing at discounts so deep, you need oxygen to go there. Over the years, I've scored everything from Vince cashmere sweaters to Ralph Lauren peasant blouses to DKNY pinstriped wool boyfriend blazers to Diane Von Furstenberg wrap dresses, at prices a fraction the cost of retail.

How about you, Pirate? Want to share some of your RRR phat loot?

PIRATE: Firstly and foremostly, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you dahling, and all my new bitchfriends out in the interwebs!

I've had a very prosperous year, lots of buckling swashes and corporate piracy has filled the treasure chests at this end. Even so, I have two little pirates and a triathlon habit to feed – so I too am feeling a pinch.

1. Re-use: Like you, I'll be spending some time this year trawling e-Pay for some bargains. I'm not great at this, but I do occasionally find things for less than I would pay retail. My issue with the re-use thing is time – as in, I have none for shopping, which is why I tend to do my shopping online. That's not always a good strategey . . .

2. Recycle: I will make more of an attempt to cull my closet and put things on e-Pay so that I can get new things. I need to model off your good habits. I also think we did a good thing last year letting you into my closet – I like giving my things up to good homes. I'm hoping that the new year will allow time for me to come peek in your closet, or you to come back to mine for more goodies. I'm sure there's something else in there you'll need.

I too had a fun time at the Santa Fe Recycled Art Thing. I feel all green and worthy, spending money on wearable art from recycled things. I had intended to do much Christmas shopping there, and although I did come away with one gift for someone else, I mostly shopped for myself. I picked up a recycled bike chain necklace,

so near and dear to my heart is this necklace. sigh . . . and so simple.

and a fabulous bracelet made from buttons,

Love it, love it, love it. Yes, now that you mention it, it does look like a tiny miniature LP on my wrist.
No, that did not occur to me when I purchased it.

and also a fabulous recycled belt buckle on a not-at-all recycled leather belt. Yes, I think we can call this Upcycled. It's a statement piece, and I had no such thing in my wardrobe previously.

It's red and it's big!

3. Rethink: Mama rarely buys a thing that isn't on sale. This is a rule that has few exceptions – like that time when I bought those khakis with the tuxedo stripe because I just knew I'd wear them every day until they had holes in them and I was worried they would sell out before I got there . . . the other exception is when it's so cheap it's hardly worth waiting for a sale.

I am sometimes a victim of impulse – I worry that if I don't get that precious thing right now, it will be gone forever and I'll never have another chance. While that's been true on a few notable occasions, most of the time, I have found that they will always make more stuff, or my precious object will eventually find its way to e-Pay where I can snap it up for more than retail (I do my homework, ladies – don't think for a second that e-Pay = cheap!). Maybe it's a byproduct of my age that I'm now more measured about my shopping. I will be rethinking how much I need that thing right now.

If I know I want That Thing, and it's something that will find an easy place in my wardrobe, I will stalk my prey and pre-shop (e.g., try it on, find out my size). Then I wait for the e-coupon to fall, and I pounce. I've scored some super deals this way – like 45% off deal on that jacket on jCrew I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for . . . and the 50% off my most favouritest over the knee boots.

Also, I need you to come over and help me re-do my outfit selections. My mother paid the Chic Expert to come and look through her things and give her ideas on how to put outfits together – and she took pictures of them. What a great idea, right? Like a style book!

MOI: Goody, more closet cleaning coming up! Ladies, if you've got girlfriends anywhere near your size, I heartily recommend doing this. In fact, Pirate, let's save this for another post. The Who What Where When and Why of Shopping Your Best Friend's Closet.

Edited as per Aunty's Request:

ePay is what Pirate calls eBay. It is Moi's Numero Uno discount fashion site. To get the most out of eBay, it is best to avoid bidding "blind", and only use it to search and bid on those items you know will fit. For instance, last year, I was searching for a simple white, heavy cotton strapless dress. Banana Republic had one for $98 as part of their spring collection. It fit me perfectly and so I waited until a certain trusted eBay B.R. discounter, who buys in bulk from distributors, put one up on her site. A couple months later, bam, I had it for $15.99. Disadvantages of eBay are that fakes abound, so check history and feedback carefully. I find that private sellers (those who aren't stores or discounters), almost always sell the real deal (they're cleaning out their closets and not buying suspect inventory from Singapore), although there are a few distributors, like JT & Company (who handles BCBG), who are dead on honest.

For discounted shoes and handbags, nothing beats EndlessShoes.com. Savings of up to 75%, free shipping, and a no-questions-asked, no-cost, 365-day return policy. Piperlime.com has a tremendous selection and some good sales.

About six months ago I joined, at Aunty's invitation, one of the handful of fashion shopping sites that are invite only, HauteLook.com (let me know if you want an invite). Sites like this and Gilt Group (to which I also belong) are becoming very popular ways of shopping high end designers at deep, and I mean DEEP discounts. Clothing, shoes, accessories, handbags, even home fashions at up to 95 percent off. I have purchased two things from Haute Look - a set of 22 Amrita Singh 24K gold bangles that normally go for $130, for $18; and a purple and black ruched jersey dress by Queue that retails for $250 for $80. Because these sites order direct from the designer, who ships to them, who in turn ships to the customer, shipping is a little slow. But I got each of my items, perfectly packed, with tracking number, within 10 days. I'll take discount over speed any day.

Another of my top favorite clothing sites is LLBean. Seriously. This is a hidden gem for fashionistas. Everything from workout clothing to French boat cut striped shirts to adorable cashmere hoodies to leather riding boots can be had at terrific prices. And with its free return policy, if something doesn't fit quite right, back it goes, no questions asked.

Pirate, if you have any faves, feel free to share!

Pirate Adds, On my e-Pay (OK, I'll call it eBay) purchases, I have but one rule: I do my research. As Moi says, counterfeits abound, as do untrustworthy sellers. Usually I know what I'm getting into because I have spent a lot of time looking at said item in person or have pined for it at length by retail. I have sometimes caught some big deals, like the time I scored those Alexander McQueen heels (normally retailing for $850, I purchased on eBay for $165 - I stalked those puppies for almost a year). I have also paid too much on e-Bay.

I totally agree with Moi - Endless is the way to go on shoes. I don't shop Zappos -- I have never seen a deal on Zappos that couldn't be beat at my local Dillards, or on Endless.

I spend a lot of my online money at JCrew and BCBG, because their clothing is consistent in sizing and quality, and they have regular online discounts. I am on both of their online mailing lists, and they sometimes offer exclusive online sales for their mailing list customers. I shop their online catalogs for ideas and mentally earmark items that I want, and then I wait. It usually isn't long before they sell their new items at a discount, or offer free shipping, or something.

Happy Holidays!

The Bitches are taking a hiatus for the holiday season to eat a lot of food and fret over outfits. We'll be back next week with a post on recycled/upcycled fashion. Until then, mucho smooches to you all, enjoy the warmth of the season with friends and family, and don't forget:

JUST SAY NO TO THE DECORATIVE HOLIDAY SWEATER!

We're not kidding. We don't care if you ARE being ironic.
Don't do it.

Okay, okay, if you're THIS guy, you can do it. This guy, he could wear fUggs on his head, we wouldn't kick him out of the party. Although, our husbands might have something to say about that.
Stooooooopid husbands.

crickets chirping, ugly shoes, holiday blues

MOI: Yes. We know. It has been Slackerville around Fashion Bitches H.Q. lately. We have been busy with work. With holiday parties. With facing the daunting task of coming up with fabulous prezzies. For other people.

So, Pirate, what do you have to say for yourself?

PIRATE: Well, I too am suffering from a certain lack of inspiration. Malaise or Malazy? Probly both.

I did, however, get e-mail from Endless.com today (God bless them). I think they like me! They are beckoning me to come buy their most popularest boots at a deep discount, so I clicky the linky 'cos, you know, a Bitch has gotta see what boots are on sale and stuff. It's Christmas, right?

Once I stopped drooling on those gorgeous rose embellished pumps (I'll note they can be obtained for a very reasonable $99), I was aghast to note the number of fUGGly boots they are selling. The variety is somewhat staggering.

We have fUggs with studs (can be found in black or brown, lord help me).

We have the ubiquitous (and not entirely unexpected, given their non-shape) fUggs with fur, in black brown or pre-dirtied white.


and perhaps the most wrongest of all, patent leather fUggs.



There are also fUggs with corset detail (I'm not sure I find these sexy)


And of course, no girl's shoe wardrobe is complete without Zebra fUggs

. . . you know, for that "wild" look.

I note that I have seen these mostly on the feet of the younger set (e.g., High Schoolers), and so I have written them off as Too Young for Mama. Thank fUgg.

Having said that, have you seen the prices for these bedroom slippers? For the price of a pair of these, you could buy a whole lot of really nice looking boot (about a yard or so of moo-leather, by my accounting). Sheesh, my most expensive pair of boots evar were not as expensive as the fUggs.

Thoughts, oh fabulous one?

MOI: Well, I just hate fUggs. First, because they are butt ass ugly – I mean, unless you are an Eskimo, why in the holy fire of heck would you want to look like someone just shot a grizzly bear and wrapped it around your lower extremities? Plus, are we the only ones who have grok'd to the irony of the fact that these things were invented and are still produced entirely in Australia, a country where, the last time I checked, Near-Nekkid Beach Volleyball was the name of the national game, not Ice Floe Hopping?

Hello? McFly?

Now, excuse-ay Moi while I log onto Endless.com and purchase a pair of those flowered pumps. Just what this grown up gal needs for her New Year's Eve outfit. Which I realize may entail a cozy track suit on the sofa waiting for the ball to drop on the East Coast (where it is ten o'clock in the Land of Enchantment) instead of a wild ass party or romantic dinner. Regardless; awesome shoes must be worn.

PIRATE: Hallelujah, Amen, and pass the Credit Card!

I still cannot understand their un-ending popularity. What message do you suppose the wearers of these wish to convey? "I'm cool and hip and shop in Australia?" Or is it perhaps, "I am a fashion lemming?"

Because this boot says to me, "I have given up and I hate myself," or "I live in a mental institution and am not allowed shoelaces."

Please, oh please, let them go the way of the Dodo.

denial thy name is demi

Demi Moore turns 47 years old this week. She remains an undeniably beautiful woman, most likely through a combination of good genes, good luck, and access to the best treatments and work money can buy.

Such good work and treatments, in fact, that at first glance, she appears to give 26-year-old model Anja Rubik, who originally wore this stunning metallic body suit by Balmain on the runway this fall, a serious run for her money.

But wait. Look closer. Something is wrong.

See it?

Now, the photographer hired to shoot the photos for this cover, Anthony Citrano, has brazenly and publically called out both W and Demi on their laughable assertion that this is Demi's body. In a Tweeted statement, he lobs the ball into Demi's court: “@mrskutchner I started this, so I’ll (try to) finish it: $5k to charity if that’s really the original.”

And we thought only young women had to fight the fashion world's unrealistic expectations for body size.

over the knee boots: the verdict

PIRATE: It's been forever since we last discussed the over-the-knee boot thing, we should probably give an update on that, n'est ce pas?

I seem to recall that the majority of opinion from our audience was that the over-knee/thigh high boot thing couldn't be done without looking like a Paid Professional. The other part of the opinion: this look should not be done by people who are height-challenged, or mass-challenged.

I was, at last writing, still debating which pair I would purchase – and was leaning toward a nice pair from Victoria's secret. When I finally dusted off the credit card, Vicky's said I wouldn't have them in my sweaty palms until mid-November, that Bitch. I had to keep shopping and obsessing and shopping, and . . .

After much debate, I finally settled on these from Nine West:

By the way - if you're looking for video assistance on how to get them on, I recommend you never do a search on youtoob, unless you want to watch what the Feet People like to watch. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Yes, you see fake leather and you see a very tall platform. I reasoned that this boot would be an appropriate compromise - it had everything I liked about the Alexander McQueen boot I would never be able to afford, and the Victoria's Secret boot I thought looked awesome, without looking too cheap or hookery, at a guilt-free price point.

Yes, that is a brave look to go for. I figured if I'm gonna do it, I will do it the way I want to – so I held my breath and pressed "purchase."

MOI: First of all, I have to say, never in my life have I given over so much time and attention to the purchase of a boot. Pirate and I researched until our eyes glazed over, flinging Web sites and reviews at each other from the butt crack of dawn to the launch of midnight for nearly two weeks.

In the end, for me, it came down to: do I buy something vampy along the lines of the Victoria's Secret boots above or something more in line with my BoHo sensibilities, a la the Dolce Vita Nathan Boot? After much what-to-do-ing, I decided to go for the Nathan. Something about that beautiful dove grey color and soft suede was calling to me from the depths of 1977 and when 1977 calls, Moi picks up. Even better, Endless.com was offering $25 off AND free, next day shipping. Plus, no-questions-asked-no-cost returns. Let me take just a moment to say this: God Bless Endless.com and everyone associated with this kick-ass run business.

PIRATE: First impressions out of the box: it's a big damned box and Nine West took their sweet time sending it to me: almost three weeks to put them in my paws. Do you hear me Nine West? That's cruelty!

My assessment on removal from the box: they do look fake, but not overtly so. Yes, they look exactly like they do in the pictures, and they are tall. Then I tried them on. It was like pulling on a pleather stocking. To my relief, they end just over my knee and not in my crotch as I feared they might. They are fairly comfortable on, the platform is a nice size (meaning these are very stable to walk in). The entire shaft is stretchy (whew!), the ankle zip means they're easy to pull over anything.

Also, the spouse really liked them. This does not bode well for me. I mean, on the one hand, it's good that he likes them, but I really was hoping to wear them outside the house.

MOI: Sure enough, they arrived next day air, nicely wrapped and protected against any and all possible mishandling by Red Bull fueled postal workers cruising for a cigarette break.

The first thing I noticed was the quality of the suede. Very nice for the price. I would have preferred a platform on the foot bed for support, but since the heel is only 3", I wasn't going to make that a sticking point.

Second thing: mah gawd, these are comfy. They fit true to size and will easily accommodate a tight or thin wool sock, which is fine. I'm not going to be wearing my hiking socks. Once pulled on, they came up to just about 3" just over my knee. Perfect.

As for getting them off, well, now I know why they are often referred to as hooker boots. It takes two, baby, to remove these puppies from la feet. Either that, or arms the length of the Pacific Coastal Highway.

PIRATE: Of course, the real test of these boots is pairing them with an outfit that looks professional without looking "professional", and then (ulp) leaving the house. If anyone will have an issue with the height/girth issue, it's me: I'm short, my legs are short, and they're, er, muscular.

First outfit: skinny jeans, navy tissue turtleneck, double breasted short sleeve ecru jacket, big girl boots in a professional setting:

There's a lot of boot there, it has to be said.

The verdict from my co-workers: silence. Not a word. Not a snarky comment, not a noise, not a peep. Deafening silence. I honestly didn't know what to make of it.

Out in public I get nothing. No feedback. Admittedly, I was tepid about where I went.

I posted the above photo on my Facebook page. The verdict from my Facebook friends: a resounding number of positive comments, both male and female, and some catcalls. Make of that what you will.

My personal take: this outfit is comfortable, the boots are fun, but all I can see are my giant thighs bulging from the tops of the boots, and it's not a look I like. I'm hoping they'll stretch more over time.

Outfit two: Frilly white blouse, black drape cardigan, charcoal leggings, big girl boots.

Note the lazy-ass spouse/photographer in the reflection; he's not feeling well the poor dear.

This outfit is much better. I look taller, thinner; more leg, less thigh. The boots have stretched a touch, and the leggings don't seem to take up as much space. Also, it's a little less contrast between boot and legging, which I prefer.

Verdict at work: still no word. I think they got used to me playing dress-up every day and have grown numb to my fashion experiments.

Personal verdict: I feel less self-conscious with this; I feel tall, and not like a "professional". Also, I got a compliment from a complete stranger when I went to lunch with Moi: "that's a nice pair of boots."

Moi says: You looked super duper hot in this outfit and now I am coveting those boots and the leggings. Poor Santa, he is getting awfully exhausted with all my requests.

MOI's OUTFITS: Please excuse the el crappo photos. I just now figured out how to turn off my flash, but not how to change the shutter speed. This was as still as I could hold the camera.

Anyhoo, I find that these boots pair best with tights and a short dress/skirt. They slouch down just slightly when I wear them with my skinny jeans, because my legs, while shapely, are, um, athletic. Add thick denim to my already 16" diameter calves, and the result is a bit of a slouch. But I have a pair of thin black denim jeans that they work perfectly with.

Paired with BCBG dusky rose tunic dress and black tights.

Paired with black CAbi skinny jeans, layered J Crew tees, and DKNY pinstriped boyfriend blazer.

Le Verdict: I feel comfortable in both outfits and in no danger whatsoever for getting hauled away for soliciting favors from cute high school boys. For that, I bring out the Louboutins.

Pirate's notes… I noticed that the boots did not hijack your look – they emphasized you in all the right places. The boot color is faaabulous in person. Too bad we don't have the same foot size...covet...covet...covet...

OVERALL VERDICT: The over the knee boot thing can be done even if you have big legs and you're short, just take care with what you tuck into them. The trick is to not under-dress on top – if you look like a hooker from the waist up, the boots will emphasize this; if you dress like a professional, the boots can add a nice long line to legs.

Good Accessories

Dear bitches, I finished.

My finishing time: 13:53. That's 13 hours, 53 minutes to take myself 140.6 miles by swimming, biking, and running. That's a personal record for me!

In my own personal tradition, I'm wearing my medal to work today. I wear it until everyone knows I finished, and then I retire it (that's about a day).

One might ask, what does one wear with a medal the size of a license plate? Well, I've opted to dress like a rockstar with my rockstar t-shirt and my skinny jeans and my military jacket. And flats.

I think it goes perfectly.

Off the Racks of Babes

So last week, my brother says to me: “Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to take my daughter, your 16-year-old niece, shopping for some fall/winter clothing.”

"Whaddya kidding Moi?" I replied. "Shopping is my middle name!"

A few seconds of silence lapsed at the other end of the line before he said to me, “Well you know how picky she is. Are you sure you’re up for it?”

Oh, yes, I assured him. You can count on Moi. I will do a mighty fine job of steering said niece into perfectly appropriate but totally cool clothing. And what was he talking about, picky? The kid lives in flip flops and tee shirts from Hollister. Should be no problem, juhzing her up a bit.

My brother then slapped me with another couple directives. Not only should the clothing be appropriate, one of the items should include a warm, practical winter coat. Also, because he is currently on a very limited budget and my niece tends to outgrow things as fast as she can roll her eyes at adults, he asked that we limit our shopping to either Target or Wal-mart, both of which do indeed have perfectly appropriate, decently made, and stylish clothing for girls.

So this past Wednesday, off we went.

First stop, Wal-Mart, where niece immediately spotted hanging on a rack in the juniors section, a totally cool, white nylon puffy bomber style jacket:


“Aunt Mmmmwahhhhhhhh,” she squealed. “That is so cooooool!”

Not for nothing this kid is my niece, and so not for nothing the Fashionista Moi part of me was just champing at the bit to concur. Luckily, I was able to mentally smack Fashionista Moi down with the promise of cruising the new arrivals at Shop Bop later this evening if she would just keep her mouth shut and allow Practical Moi to intone with grown up, Practical Moi Seriousness: “Oh, honey, no. That thing is going to get dirty in about 2.5 seconds and you’re going to whine and cry to me about it and then I am most likely going to go broke from the dry cleaning bills, because I was the one who allowed you to buy it in the first place.”

“But Aunt Moi, can I at least try it on? It’s so cooooool!”

Crap.

You just can’t fault logic like that, so yes, okay, I caved in and let her try it on, and yes, she did indeed look totally cool in it. So totally cool, in fact, that before I could stop her, Fashionista Moi came running to the fore, never mind the 5" heels, and blurted out breathlessly, “Oh. My. God. That is so cool! You look like some bored European heiress skiing Gstaad on trust fund money!"

Of course, she had no clue whatsoever what I was talking about, but that didn't matter; kid can sniff an Adult About to Give In like I can sniff out a 75 percent off sale at the Dillard's shoe department.

“So I can get it, right?” she enthused.

At which point Fashionista Moi politely begged off, pushed Practical Moi to the foreground and tip-toed away, mumbling something about having to go pour herself a drink.

The pronouncement, painful as it was, came swiftly: “No, honey. You can’t.”

Naturally, niece immediately went into Pouty McPoutster Mode and I was left holding the Bad Aunty Bag.

Then, the heavens? They parted. To magically reveal the exact same jacket, only in BLACK. I held it up enthusiastically. Still totally cool, right?

“I dunno,” said niece warily. “You don’t think I’m going to look like some biker chick in it, do you?”


This from a child who rims her eyes in jet black and has a metal arrow pierced through the left side of her lower lip? Still, she had a point.

Then the heavens, they parted a second time, this time revealing the neon-edged sign for the Miley Cyrus Max Azria Collection for Wal-Mart. Racks upon racks and stacks upon stacks of inexpensive, spot-on-trend, inexpensive, and totally cute inexpensive tee shirts and boho tops and jeans and leggings and what have you. And by the way did I mention, inexpensive?

“Honey, I tell you what. You buy the black jacket instead of the white, and I’ll chip in to buy you this way cute Miley Cyrus top, which will look totally cool underneath the jacket, sort of Rocker Chick Meets Boho Babe. Whaddya say?”



The niece, she actually squinted her eyes at me. Then she slowly walked over to another rack and after a few seconds, triumphantly procured another top. “Throw this one in and you got a deal.”


So, did I mention? The collection? Tres inexpensive. Which means my niece, she gets to be totally cute for the 2.5 seconds it takes her to outgrow her stuff and I get to have money left over for the winter shoe fund. Because my feet? They’re not growing anywhere.