dear bitches: Mo Help

Dear b!tches of fashion,

I am stuck. Like the popcorn hull that is lodged between my back molars. Like the 7 yr old ID badge on my car windshield. Like the hiker that got trapped in the Sandias with a boulder lying on his arm. (ok, maybe it’s not that painful.)

Every few months, when a project of my husband’s is finished, they have a wrap party. I bet you are excited by the word “party.” I bet you can’t wait to try on a bunch of things, and find the one thing that is fabulous, and you can’t wait to wear it in the company of others who are also wearing fabulous things (but not quite as fabulous as YOURS, to be sure).

I hear “wrap party” and I try not to groan. I had nothing to wear for the last one. I haven’t bought anything but cheap shirts since then, so I have nothing to wear for this one either. I doubt an old bridesmaid dress is going to cut it. I am trying to emerge from being, how did Pirate put it? – totally cheap a$ about my clothes. It’s hard. One wrong expensive purchase, and I’m telling you, I’ll dive back into my closest polar fleece shapeless top. But I need a few things that could create a few outfits that are wrap party worthy.

Where should I start?
Mo.

MOI SAYETH:

Dear Mo,

Hell, yes, we loves us a good party! Not only because it means we can try out a new outfit, but because party also means food and if there’s one thing we love more than fashion, it’s food.

In this case, I’d say the first course of action is first hand, hands-on help from the Bitches. Failing that, our virtual help is going to depend on some answers to a few questions: the formality of the party, your body type, your budget, and whether or not Pirate and I can con you with cake and candy into a dress or if you are resolutely a slacks kind of gal.

But off the top of my head, here’s what I’d recommend.

1. A black jersey wrap dress, ¾ to full length sleeves, vee-neck, just above the knee length. There is nothing you can’t do with a dress like this and it comes in just about every price point. Dress it up: bling around the neck and at the ears, strappy metallic heels. Dress it down: a cute cardigan in a bright color, flats.

2. Loose fitting white button down shirt and a pair of beautifully tailored black pants. With this outfit, you can basically do what you do with the black jersey dress – bling it up, or dress it down. However, you’ll need to decide if you’re going to be wearing the pants with mostly heels or mostly flats and get tailored accordingly.

Where to buy: BCBG in Uptown Center (or in Dillard's), Banana Republic, Macy’s in Coronado Mall.

P.S. Is it “wrap party” as in movie business? In which case, we need dirt, girl, DIRT!

PIRATE ADDETH:

Dearest, Dearest Mo,

I know firsthand that the very thought of shopping sends you running: not only because you love to run, but also because you don't see the point. Shopping? What a waste of time – I can almost hear those very words coming from you.

Darling, as a friend, I'm here to tell you that you're a beautiful woman, and I'd be honored to help you find a way to show it to the world!

I'm with Moi – I think if you can find the patience, we would love to help you out firsthand. Let's plan a shopping trip! I promise to make it as painless as I can, but I know it's gonna be a big shift for you.

First things first: Before we step into your discomfort zone, I think we need to find some things out about the Inner Mo. Fashion is an extremely personal thing – everyone's idea of "style" is decidedly unique, and you, my snowflake, are no different (I suspect, however, that you are from the "Style? Who cares!" camp).

To that end, we first need to find out what inspires Mo: what teeny tiny spark can we nurture into a roaring flame?

For this I recommend that we start perusing the fashion annals – copies of current fashion magazines are a great source of inspiration. Not a magazine girl? I have some books I will loan. There's also the internets: Lucky Mag is not a bad place to start – very approachable, very "now." I also recommend that we start looking at various shopping websites to see what you like don't like, might like, think looks hideous, etc.. Our favorites include jCrew, Anthropologie, and Piperlime, but they might not be your favorites. Start somewhere. Give feedback.

For instance:

This?

or this?

This?

Or this?

This?

or this?

Her?

Her?

Or her?

Don't be afraid if you can't see the forest for the trees – the whole process will feel unfamiliar at first, and that's OK. I'll hold your hand. And Moi will feed you candy.

From there, we can be counted on to find you the best deals we know, and be straight with you on what we think looks good on Mo.

So: What does Mo think? You game?

Failing all that, I have a really great bridesmaid's dress I think will be ideal (really, I'm not kidding – this one is a winner).

Much love,
Pirate

Ask The Bitches: It's a Jungle Out There

Lookee here, Pirate, another question!

Dear Moi and Pirate,

Is the saying "Everything old is new again" really true? And does that apply to somewhat "vintage" clothes? I have a collection of leopard print blouses/jackets/scarves/sweater from my MIL's VAST collection of clothes and shoes. I have to admit they were destined for Goodwill until the other night I noticed the fabulous Heidi Klum wearing a leopard print blouse on P.R. Yesterday while at Nordstrom I also noticed quite a few leopard print sweaters, jackets and blouses. As I navigate myself through the new (and often scary) road to forward fashion (which in my world means ditching the black t-shirts) could you two cast a little light on when it's OK and not OK to wear leopard prints AND old leopard prints. I'm worried about turning up at my next soiree looking like the above photo.

Your friend,
Boxer

* * *

MOI:

Ooo! Ooo! Animal prints – my favorite topic!

No, everything old may not necessarily be new again. I mean, seriously: do we want to beam ourselves back to THIS:

However, as far as I'm concerned, the more animal print the better. I can't help it. Maybe it's in my DNA. Heck, maybe it's in all our DNA, winding itself all the way back to caveman times. Back then, we HAD to wear animal prints, right? I mean, what else were we gonna do, grow cotton or spin silk? Our brains were just not that evolved yet – clubbing innocent creatures over the head with big sticks was about as far as we got on the manufacturing end of things. How else to explain the enduring popularity of animal prints down through the ages?
Today, you can still walk like an Egyptian. You can go the discrete route with a neck scarf or 5” heeled Christian Louboutin pumps,

(Dear Santa: Moi has been a very, very, very, very VERY good girl this year.
So, please, how about for once you score me a little spotted Louboutin?)

or broadcast yourself like a brass band on a Sunday afternoon in the park with a vintage pinup style wiggle dress


Basically, there is an animal print for every body and every occasion.

Only three considerations when contemplating whether to bathe your body in lion, leopard, or snake:

1. Does the particular item also flatter your body? The same structural rules apply to prints as they do to solids. Which means, know your body shape, what flatters it, and be scrupulous about fit. Over all, that means, nothing baggy, boxy, or so tight that you have to be on oxygen to cross the street.

2. Determining the occasions at which to wear and or leave off wearing animal. That wiggle dress during date night with your beloved? You go with your bad ass self. At beloved aunt Gerdie’s funeral? Not so much.

But I’d say the most important question you need to ask yourself when considering an animal print is:

3. Do you have the fashion temperament to wear an animal print? Can you comfortably Hello, Kitty! yourself into a big ol’ leopard printed cocktail dress or trench coat or does the sight of anything but the most discreet Glen plaid print send you running for the hills?


Pirate, no slouch when it comes to putting the va-voom into even the most work-a-day outfits, will clearly have an opinion in how to tip toe yourself into the animal print and let out your inner bombshell. Or bottle cap, whichever the case may be.

PIRATE:
Well, I'm a relative newcomer to this whole animal print fashion trend. Back when I was young, animal prints were only worn by animals. Or old ladies. I think when I was a youth, I still had the image of Raquel Welch clouding my fashion sensibilities.

I'm just a cavegirl, and I'm frightened by your fashioney ways.

MOI:

I think now's about time I waved some Karen Millen under your nose:
That's it, Pirate, come to the animal print . . .

PIRATE:

Meow!

OK, OK, OK . . . While I admit that I am old enough to have seen the animal print thing be done to death and then ridiculed, I also agree that yes, everything old is new and trendy and fresh again. And, while I admit that my initial hesitance to embrace animal print was really about a resistance to re-discovering my inner Joan Collins, I think it's true confession time.

I, Dread Pirate, admit to owning the following items in my closet currently getting routine and unhindered wear:

1 leopard print dress by Michael Kors: Have we not already discussed his deep understanding of how my body is shaped? For a gay man, he really *gets* it.

1 zebra print cardigan, which, when worn, I refer to myself as "prey"

1 zebra print trench coat (YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT)

I will also admit to currently cultivating a certain lust for 1 pair of zebra print boots. Oh pretty please, Santa, while you are bringing Moi the cheetahs, do you have room in your bag for some Zebras for me? I promise I'll take very good care of them . . .

So, Boxer, bottom line: If you're new to animal prints, start small. A scarf, a blouse under a blazer or sweater, a shoe. But don't be surprised if one day soon, you wake up with a sudden, inexplicable urge to spot even your workout socks. The animal, it is addictive.

Ask the Bitches: Hose Off, Eh?

In a recent e-mail, Miss La Diva Cucina asked the Bitches a question, thus offering us the perfect segue into our new blog segment entitled "Ask the Bitches." Thanks, Miss La Diva, for giving us a perfect opening.

Miss La Diva asks,

Are nylons out of style? I've not worn them in years because I live in very humid and tropical places where they are too hot but what about in places like Chicago? I thought Michelle Obama was crazy to have bare legs in the middle of winter when she was walking in the parade . . .

I used to wear tights all the time with skirts and boots but haven't worn nylons for years. I'm curious about this as I've not lived in any cold climates for 16 years but when I see these girls walking out in the middle of winter with bare legs and sandals, I think they are nuts. Why can't one be fashionable AND warm?

* * *

PIRATE:

Thanks for your question! I love questions! I also have to expose the following facts about myself before I start in with my own personal opinions about the hoses (because we "bitches" are not experts – see disclaimer – but we are opinionated). The facts are relevant to my opinion, I promise.

Fact 1: I live in the desert, and it's just not very cold here ever. When I lived in the UK, I was constantly cold. Here, however, temperature is not so much of an issue.

Fact 2: I train a lot, so my legs have a good shape and don't need extra support – yet. They also get a certain amount of color from being outside, though I do tend to get a lot of odd tan lines. Biker tan may be sexy to the biker set, but it might not be quite so sexy to the fashion set.

Disclaimer #35: this is not the Pirate's Sock Tan. Not that there would be anything wrong with that.

Fact 3: I give way more of a shit about what other bikers think of my legs than what the fashion set thinks about my legs (I know, cyclists are weird). My sock tan is a badge of honor in my social circle, along with the road rash on my shoulder, and my Neapolitan* leg color. I worked hard to earn those things, I don't mind showing them off (at bike races, the depth of your tan is one thing that shows your competition just how hard you've been training).

Fact 4: I'm old and I don't care.

*Neapolitan legs is what happens when you have bike shorts that are different lengths, and you end up getting sunburned on a bike ride – so you have the pale "vanilla" skin at the very top of the leg, followed by a darker brown "chocolate" in the middle from riding all summer, followed by the "strawberry" sunburn at the bottom. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I'm in two minds about hoses myself, and my minds are pretty much split evenly between winter and summer.

During summer, slippery nylon (which smells bad and cuts off my middle in unattractive ways) would drive me insane. Is it just me, or do hose just make you feel like a 40 pound sausage in a 5 lb skin? I've tried some really pricey ones (DKNY comes to mind). They shredded just as fast as the cheap ones and did nothing for me except give me a uni-butt and a damned muffin top.

It gets hot here (see Fact 1), and the extra layer would do nothing for me aesthetically, except make me smell bad and maybe even out my sock tan (see Facts 2, 3, 4). I never wear anything short enough to reveal the Neapolitan tan disaster of my upper leg, so they don't help me there. My legs, though they are old, have a great shape from the upper leg down. Even if they didn't, I'm not convinced that hoses would do anything to add value for me (see Fact 4).

The winter season is different. You're likely to catch me wearing these all season:


Fashion-wise, some winter outfits do look odd with just bare legs, so then I'd say an opaque or textured tight, for effect, are good options. For example, I have an awesome kilt that looks good with textured tights. I also like certain skirts with tights and boots. Personally, I'd pick something not too dark (that dark dark black look is no longer a good look), maybe a color I could match somewhere else up top, and go with it.

Overall, I think the bare nekkid leg is more attractive than one that is encased in nylon - unless your legs are translucent and blue, and blue is not your color. I would also caveat by saying if your concerns are different from mine, then all bets are off. Michelle Obama has awesome legs, and she's worked hard for them. She also has a beautiful natural color – she went with what nature gave her, and it worked!

Also, I'm betting she had down-filled underpants on, to compensate for the DC chill . . .

Moi?

MOI:

Well, La Diva, if nylons aren't out of style they should be. Too dark. Too light. Too shiny. Too matte. They never end up looking quite right. (Although, I do make an exception for luxe silk stockings clipped to garter belts over pretty panties. But not in public.)

Here are my DOs for public:

In summer during the day: Bare legs. If one doesn’t have the legs to go bare, then wear pants.
In summer during the evening: Bare legs or fish net stockings.

In winter during the day: Opaque or textured tights, black or colored* (trust us, tights do feel different against the skin than nylon.)
In winter during the evening: Opaque black tights or fish net stockings.

* Don't be afraid of color on your legs. On the recent Project Runway All Stars show, Chris March sent some gawjuhs plaid outfits punctuated by colored tights down the runway.


Of course, it's possible to be fashionable and warm at the same time. Nothing wrong with living La Vida Loca in pants for half the year. Those who must– or like to – wear dresses in winter, are going to have to put up with the cold. But that's what central heating is for.

What about leggings? Usually, I'm of the opinion that nothing broadcasts, “I Give UP” louder than a sweat shirt and a pair of leggings worn as every day wear. Exercise in them, clean house in them, hell, sleep in them if you happen to live in Alaska, but otherwise, my opinion on leggings has always been a resounding nyet.

Today, I'm not so Draconian. If done correctly, leggings are a great way to turn a potentially hoochie mama mini dress or tunic into something fun, funky, and exceptionally wearable. Some of them are even weighty enough to substitute for skinny jeans. It’s all in how you do it. BCBG's recent Fall 2009 collection is spot on about how to do this look correctly.

So toss those nylons, ladies, toss them! Well, keep one or two for this nifty trick. Ever get that white, powdery deodorant residue on your clothing? Just rub a scrunched up pair of nylons with a vigorous but light touch over the stain, and out it goes!

PIRATE:

What Moi said. I love that picture of my dear friend Madge – very much in keeping with my hose sensibilities.

Also, I imagine my husband would completely agree with you on the stockings and garters thing, though I have not tried this myself.

***
Remember, you too can ask the Bitches a question about anything fashion related, snark related, or otherwise. We'll do our best to make up some shit in response.