proof that I am not a tomboy

Moi and I have been lusting over a certain pair of shoes, and I have finally bit the bullet. I own these bad girls.

When first I saw them, I admit I was overwhelmed by the proportions: that's a big-ass platform. Next to all the other shoes at the shoe store, these are enormous. They are also 100% girl: peep-toe, hot red, and a stiletto that could injure an intruder, should it be necessary to defend oneself.

On the plus side, the proportion of that platform means these big girls are way comfortable. They look like they should be excruciating, and they are not.


Photographer: Hey, she's 8. She's doing her best.
Setting: Needs a good clean. Anyway.
T-shirt: Hanes
Skirt: BCBG
Necklace: Anthropologie
Shoes: Jessica Simpson "Astor"

FYI, they also look great next to a pair of cycling shoes.

well heeled

Dear Bitches:

What is up with this "thing" you have for high-heeled shoes?

Signed,

I Don't Get It.

* * *

Dear I Don't Get It:

We here at the Bitches get asked that question a lot. In the interest of explaining ourselves—and possibly luring over those poor souls who have yet to experience the joy of a 4" high peep toe pump—we have hereby posted a handy little FAQ to answer all the crazy questions you might have about us and the "shoe thing."

Why do you insist on wearing heels? What's wrong with a good, solid flat?

PIRATE: I never used to like heels. I used to be one of those Flat Is Better For Your Body people. I used to believe that anything that went higher than 0.001 inches was going to wreck me for life.

Well, it turns out that is not true. I wear heels several days a week, and run 20+ miles a week, and the two go together nicely (FYI, if my calves are shredded from hill work, heels are a great antidote). Shoe people these days seem to have a better understanding of how feet are made, and what women do in their shoes. They are not all evil!

MOI: Actually, flats in my opinion can be very difficult to wear. Nine times out of ten, they turn legs into tree stumps. Heels, quiet frankly, show off your legs to their best advantage. Plus, flats are for quitters.

But don't they hurt your feet?

PIRATE: Let me be frank: heels are not like flat shoes. The angle is awkward at first and does take some getting used to. Some heels are fine for wearing around the office, some are okay for working in all day. Others are what I heard a salesperson at Alexander McQueen call Dinner Shoes—you can wear them long enough to make it from the cab to the curb to the dinner table, but that's about it. Oprah calls them "TV Shoes," i.e. you wear them to look good on television. And then you go to your dressing room and put on your bunny slippers.

I think many people shy away from heels because they think wearing them is just one step below Japanese foot-binding. The antidote? Money. Simply put, good shoes cost money. Cheaper shoes are often not well made, which means they do not take into consideration the support required to cradle the human foot. Ergo, they tend to fit badly, which can mean too wide at the heel and too narrow in the toes.

Some of your favorite flat shoe makers make some really good heels these days. For example, Born make some good looking shoes that are wide in the toe box, with a substantial heel. Cole Haan have incorporated Nike Air technology into some very elegant looking shoes. Terra Plana makes some beautiful shoes that have flexible platforms. All of these are more expensive than your average PayLess special. If you like the look and you like your feet, spend the cash. No need to go broke, either. I shop carefully, and buy good shoes when they're on sale.

MOI: I would simply add that where comfort is concerned, save the stilettos for dinner or for those days at work where you remain largely shackled to your desk. Otherwise, look for a stacked or chunkier heel. If you do choose a stiletto, look for one with a forefoot platform (see below). That giant platform means that the angle between the heel and the ball of the foot isn't as painful as it looks.

The ne plus ultra of the stiletto pump: Christian Louboutin. Dribble. Drool.



The retro allure of a chunkier heel in, left to right: a spectator-style peeptoe; a slingback; a Mary Jane; an Oxford, and a classic pump.

An example of a stacked heel peep toe: The Jessica Simpson Astor that both Bitches currently covet for fall. Note as well: le platform for added support and stability.

Anna Sui is one of many designers that makes gorgeous boots with very comfortable lasts and sensible-yet-still-sexy stacked heels. This is what Moi calls a Buy Once and Fuggedaboutit Style. In other words, it may cost you a pretty penny up front, but because the construction is so good and the style so classic, you'll wear it until you die.

But you gals are runners—aren't you afraid you'll mess up your feet?

PIRATE: Well, I tend not to wear high heels when I am running, and so, I don't really have an issue.

All kidding aside, I have a desk job in which I sit on my ass all day. I don't really need to use my feet much, and so I can get away with quite a lot. Even so, I pick shoes that I can wear in my job. I only wear my big girl shoes at work—pretty much all of the rest of the time, I wear flats or no shoes, and stretch my feet and Achilles tendons often. Heels do tend to shorten your Achilles tendon, which you will notice when you're doing hill running (like we do). I compensate for this by stretching on a calf board for a few minutes every day. I also don't necessarily wear tall heels every work day of the week—I alternate with flatter shoes.

MOI: Uh, yup.

Okay, but, aren't they bad for your lower back?

PIRATE: Only if you don't take care of your lower back. As I say, I stretch, I run, I eat well, I sleep well. I take care of my body. High heels alone should not cause any physical pain in your lower back. If you are experiencing physical pain due to your shoes, you may have problems that you should seek professional help for.

MOI: Ditto.

I am not a sex-kitten. Why would I want to wear sexy shoes?

PIRATE: I'm not a sex-kitten either! But I do like to feel attractive and confident when I get dressed in the morning.

Let me see if I can explain what the heeled look does for me, in the basic terms in which it was explained to me:

* You are short.
* You have short legs.
* Using your own eyeball, which do you think is aesthetically more attractive: short and short, or tall and skinny?
* Do you want to look tall and skinny?
* Heels will make you look tall, and skinny. And sexy.

Sexy is a bonus—I really wasn't looking for sexy, but it turns out, I like looking sexy.

If you're one of those beautiful gamine women with legs up to her Adam's apple, good for you—show it off! Some of us don't have those assets, still want to look tall and skinny, and need a little help. Heels are the fastest way there.

MOI: We Bitches are also fans of a strong-looking leg. Heels do tend to show off more leg muscle than a flat shoe—so it's a look that works for us.

So, other than looking tall and skinny and muscle-ey, what's your payoff?

PIRATE: I get a lot of compliments about my shoes, and a compliment can make the difference between a piss-poor day and a really good day. I really enjoy it when someone says something nice about my shoes—and it's amazing how many women are fellow shoe whores. We are not alone! When someone say something nice to me, I feel taller (and I look taller).

MOI: Because more than any other fashion item in existence, shoes are transformative. Regardless of your height, weight, color, or religious affiliation, there's a shoe that fits. Not only that, a shoe can transform your outfit, taking something that is essentially blah to bam! in an instant. If you don't believe me, go try on your favorite jeans with a sneaker. Then a pump. See what I mean? Look, we're not talking shoes as serious therapy. If you have self esteem or other issues, get yourself to a good cognitive behavioral therapist. Get a couple sessions under your belt. THEN go shopping.

You are clearly asking for trouble wearing those big stripper shoes. You look like a hooker, fer cryin' out loud!

PIRATE: You know, in between compliments on my shoes, I do feel the occasional catty stare from women who look like they are judging me (especially when the Over The Knee Boots come out of the closet). Ladies, that's kinda rude: just because I'm wearing cougar print shoes does not mean I'm out to steal your husband (I have one of my own and one is enough, thank you very much), and it doesn't mean that I'm a trashy slut. Besides, why should you care anyway?

From my perspective, when you're a short engineer person who works with a bunch of engineers, wearing shoes that make you look a little like a Mexican pole dancer from the ankles down keeps you from falling into the Great Vortex of Frump. It also keeps my co-workers guessing.

MOI: Try not to judge a person by her shoes. Just because you don't like her shoes, doesn't mean she is evil. They are just shoes. Unless, of course, they are Crocs. Then by all means, judge away.

I only like shoes that look like lesbian shoes.

PIRATE: Good for you. Next?

Okay, okay, you've convinced me. I need to let my inner Dita Von Teese out for some air. How do I start?

PIRATE AND MOI: Low and slow! Try something square and stacked and about 1 to 1.5 inches high. A kitten heel is good, as is a low wedge. Wear them in slowly and alternate throughout the day with flats.

Helllloooooo, kitty! A kitten heel, with the added bonus of being an animal print—our favorite kind!

A low-heeled pump in a tres chic color.

Flirty retro fun in a comfy, low-heeled wedge.

Gradually add height and before you know it, you, too, could have a "shoe thing" of your own. We promise, you'll be glad you do.

you should learn how to say no

I love Courtney Love. Yes, I do. Sure, the girl is a wee bit bat shit crazy, but she's also mega talented, as witness the vivid, punch-to-the gut feminist ethos of Live Through This and the glossy denouncement of all that sparkles and tarnishes in 21st Century Hollyweird that is Celebrity Skin. I even adore the tragically ravaged America's Sweetheart, although I am as yet too scared to fully crack open Nobody's Daughter.

So, yeah, wail and pound away, Courts. Sturm und drang and bang and strum. Babylon on Twitter and rant and rave on Facebook in full-on stream of consciousness nonsensical noise.

But, please! Do not. Start. A fashion. Blog.


Shit. Too. Late.

What Courtney Wore Today

Read Fashionista.com's hilarious deconstruction here, although they fail to mention the blog's most laugh-inducing facet: The three (?) people hired to actually write this thing (or is it Courtney herself, in all her addled glory? who knows?) pause midway through their slavish ramblings to devote one entire post to explaining that they are, in fact, ackshully edukated, in spite of the fact that none of them seem capable of forming a coherent sentence much less spelling something like, oh, I dunno, LOUBOUTIN, correctly.

French Fried

Not only does J. Crew owe us Bitches at least a couple of gift certificates for the amount of virtual ink we continually spill over their sartorial offerings, so does BCBG.

I'm a big believer in finding one or two labels that season after season come out with pieces that flatter your body type, skin color, and pocketbook. For me, that label is BCBG. Probably half the stuff in my closet comes from this clothing brand, founded by French/Tunisian designer, Max Azria, who along with his wife, Lubov, helms the global fashion house BCBGMAXAZRIA.

BCBG stands for "bon chic, bon genre," which in Parisian slang means, "good style, good attitude." I would have to agree. While the brand does put out some pricey items (their shoes rarely retail for under $200 a pair, for instance, and I usually need oxygen to even look at the price tags for the Runway line), the majority of their pieces are well within the average working gal's budget. They are also beautifully made, exceptionally versatile, and manage the neat trick of being both on-trend for the season and yet also wearable year after year.

Best of all, unless you must have something NOW, as in, right this second or you're gonna die (which, you know, does happen on occasion), there is no need to pay full retail. BCBG is famously sale-happy, both at their outlets and on-line. Keep checking back and you can bet that the $150.00 boyfriend blazer you eyed last week will be slashed anywhere from 30 to 70 percent next month (what that says about the true cost of clothing production is a subject for another post, so for now, I'll just, la, la, la, la, la.)

Anyway. I just got BCBG's Pre-Fall 2010 notice. Yes. Fall. Because when it's 95 degrees outside with at least three full months more of sweat-producing weather to wade through, the stores are chock-a-block full of sweaters and boots. The fashion industry, it is just like Australia: it operates upside down and counterclockwise.

Here's what I'm lemming for so far:

I'm always intrigued by the expressions on these models' faces.
This one seems to be saying:
"Hmmmm . . . that looks like a quarter down there on the floor. Or is it one of those new dollar coins?"

And this cozy/chic lil' number:


Because in the winter? When I start stuffing my face and holing up in front of a full season of fall television? Nothing hides a holiday goody-induced extra 10 pounds like a floaty knit, some tights, and a pair of booties.

what the heart wants

Remember a couple months back when I was Jones-ing for this?


Only it was like eleventy-million dollars and so tiny that I had to go up four full sizes just to find one that fit? But that I oh-so-adored its vibrant painterly pattern regardless of the fact that the last thing we pear-shaped gals should do is plaster our hips and ass with a print that makes a Jackson Pollock painting look like a pencil sketch?

But what are fashion rules if not meant to be broken, right?

So anyway, I never could hunt down said Tracy Reece skirt on the 'Bay, but then a couple weeks ago, Pirate sent Moi the Red Alert that her favorite sartorial outlet, J. Crew, had a similarly styled skirt on sale for way less pesos, and so, yes, dear readers. I bought it.


I heartily give it four and a half stars for construction (including a lining, always a nice touch), fit, and wearability.

Here's what I'm pairing it with today for lunch with a friend:


Impressionist pencil skirt, J. Crew
Ruffled blouse, Odille
Ruffled cashmere cardigan, J. Crew
Ivanka pumps, BCBG
Locket, family heirloom

And, later, to toughen it up a bit:



Military-style cotton jacket, DKNY Jeans
Ivory cotton top, Ralph Lauren
Zipper detail booties, BCBG
Necklace, Wear It! boutique

In the winter, I think this can easily pair with a turtleneck, jean jacket, and black boots. And save myself from my addiction to grey.

So tell Moi, what's currently lighting up your life, fashion or otherwise?

friends don't let friends eat hot dogs alone

Dear Fashion Retail Industry:

I think you owe us.

Allow me to explain . . . In case you were not aware, womenfolk (in general) are innate enablers. Along with emoting, empathizing, and scratching our heads at the menfolk, enabling is one of the things that we girls do best. When we're not sure whether we should or should not, we turn to our girlfriends to set us straight. When we really, really want to, and we know everyone else will say "no," we know exactly which girlfriend to to call who will say "what are you waiting for?!"

As girls, we take this responsibility very seriously. Most of the time the answer may be "yes," but sometimes the answer is a very cautious, "Will it go with jeans?" Our solemn girl oath means never letting a pal make a fashion error.

Even so, this interaction almost always leads back to money in your pocket, Mr. Fashion Industry.

I'll illustrate my point with a recent girl/girl conversation (in which the names have been changed to protect the innocent)

Mirate: I need this top. Neeeeeed it.


Toi: Of course you do. If I didn't feel so poor, I'd need it too.

Mirate: I was going to buy shoes for the kids, but I think this top is more important. Don't you think? Plus it's on SAAAALE!!

Toi: I say put the mask on yourself before you save the kids.

Mirate: OK. I guess we'll just eat hot dogs for the rest of the month. The kids will understand, right?

Toi: It's only food. This is fashion. Think of it as a life lesson.

* time passes*

Toi: HOLY COW! DID YOU SEE WHAT IS ON SALE? That skirt that you've been looking at for, like, a gazillion years!


Mirate: No. No, no, no, no, no. I already spent all my excess cashes. And I still haven't bought my children their shoes.

Toi: Did you look at the price? Did you? And did you forget what these bandage skirts to do the booty? Plus, it will go great with your sparkly top . . .

Mirate: Dang, you make a good case. You should be in sales! Alrighty, then. I'll be by your house this evening with the kids, since we can no longer afford food. I assume you have hot dogs?

Toi: I'll be cooking.

* time passes*

Toi: Speaking of hot dogs, what do you think of this?


Mirate: Well, geez, girl, haven't you been pining away for something exactly like that for, oh, the last six months?

Toi: I have indeed. And lo, it is on sale!

Mirate: Forsooth! Verily! I say you pretty much have to get it. Just don't go all hippy on me and wear it with those boots. Le yuck.

Toi: Well, duh. That's a given.

Mirate: Also, I think you should consider this to go with, since it too is on sale for a song. . .


Can you not see that these things are so totally perfect together?

Toi: You are so bad, and so right. Except, did you forget? We're eating hot dogs now.

* * *

So you see, Mr. Fashion Industry, our little chica-a-chica conversation netted you a cool wad of cash you never would have had, in the tidy space of a single day. What's more, you didn't have to lift a finger.

I say you owe us, womankind, some free good will and advertisement. I'll happily take my earnings as in-store credit, if you don't mind.

Your truly,

The Fashion Bitches

pushing the fashion envelope, a blog in pictures

What I bought:

How I wore it:

What it felt like I was wearing:

What I wore to counteract the see-thru-ness :

What the Spanx felt like:

What I will purchase to wear the next time the skirt comes out of the closet:

What my co-worker saw, despite my best efforts:

What my other co-worker saw:

What I felt like I must look like when I went to the grocery store:

What I channelled to counteract all the staring: