denial thy name is demi

Demi Moore turns 47 years old this week. She remains an undeniably beautiful woman, most likely through a combination of good genes, good luck, and access to the best treatments and work money can buy.

Such good work and treatments, in fact, that at first glance, she appears to give 26-year-old model Anja Rubik, who originally wore this stunning metallic body suit by Balmain on the runway this fall, a serious run for her money.

But wait. Look closer. Something is wrong.

See it?

Now, the photographer hired to shoot the photos for this cover, Anthony Citrano, has brazenly and publically called out both W and Demi on their laughable assertion that this is Demi's body. In a Tweeted statement, he lobs the ball into Demi's court: “@mrskutchner I started this, so I’ll (try to) finish it: $5k to charity if that’s really the original.”

And we thought only young women had to fight the fashion world's unrealistic expectations for body size.

over the knee boots: the verdict

PIRATE: It's been forever since we last discussed the over-the-knee boot thing, we should probably give an update on that, n'est ce pas?

I seem to recall that the majority of opinion from our audience was that the over-knee/thigh high boot thing couldn't be done without looking like a Paid Professional. The other part of the opinion: this look should not be done by people who are height-challenged, or mass-challenged.

I was, at last writing, still debating which pair I would purchase – and was leaning toward a nice pair from Victoria's secret. When I finally dusted off the credit card, Vicky's said I wouldn't have them in my sweaty palms until mid-November, that Bitch. I had to keep shopping and obsessing and shopping, and . . .

After much debate, I finally settled on these from Nine West:

By the way - if you're looking for video assistance on how to get them on, I recommend you never do a search on youtoob, unless you want to watch what the Feet People like to watch. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Yes, you see fake leather and you see a very tall platform. I reasoned that this boot would be an appropriate compromise - it had everything I liked about the Alexander McQueen boot I would never be able to afford, and the Victoria's Secret boot I thought looked awesome, without looking too cheap or hookery, at a guilt-free price point.

Yes, that is a brave look to go for. I figured if I'm gonna do it, I will do it the way I want to – so I held my breath and pressed "purchase."

MOI: First of all, I have to say, never in my life have I given over so much time and attention to the purchase of a boot. Pirate and I researched until our eyes glazed over, flinging Web sites and reviews at each other from the butt crack of dawn to the launch of midnight for nearly two weeks.

In the end, for me, it came down to: do I buy something vampy along the lines of the Victoria's Secret boots above or something more in line with my BoHo sensibilities, a la the Dolce Vita Nathan Boot? After much what-to-do-ing, I decided to go for the Nathan. Something about that beautiful dove grey color and soft suede was calling to me from the depths of 1977 and when 1977 calls, Moi picks up. Even better, Endless.com was offering $25 off AND free, next day shipping. Plus, no-questions-asked-no-cost returns. Let me take just a moment to say this: God Bless Endless.com and everyone associated with this kick-ass run business.

PIRATE: First impressions out of the box: it's a big damned box and Nine West took their sweet time sending it to me: almost three weeks to put them in my paws. Do you hear me Nine West? That's cruelty!

My assessment on removal from the box: they do look fake, but not overtly so. Yes, they look exactly like they do in the pictures, and they are tall. Then I tried them on. It was like pulling on a pleather stocking. To my relief, they end just over my knee and not in my crotch as I feared they might. They are fairly comfortable on, the platform is a nice size (meaning these are very stable to walk in). The entire shaft is stretchy (whew!), the ankle zip means they're easy to pull over anything.

Also, the spouse really liked them. This does not bode well for me. I mean, on the one hand, it's good that he likes them, but I really was hoping to wear them outside the house.

MOI: Sure enough, they arrived next day air, nicely wrapped and protected against any and all possible mishandling by Red Bull fueled postal workers cruising for a cigarette break.

The first thing I noticed was the quality of the suede. Very nice for the price. I would have preferred a platform on the foot bed for support, but since the heel is only 3", I wasn't going to make that a sticking point.

Second thing: mah gawd, these are comfy. They fit true to size and will easily accommodate a tight or thin wool sock, which is fine. I'm not going to be wearing my hiking socks. Once pulled on, they came up to just about 3" just over my knee. Perfect.

As for getting them off, well, now I know why they are often referred to as hooker boots. It takes two, baby, to remove these puppies from la feet. Either that, or arms the length of the Pacific Coastal Highway.

PIRATE: Of course, the real test of these boots is pairing them with an outfit that looks professional without looking "professional", and then (ulp) leaving the house. If anyone will have an issue with the height/girth issue, it's me: I'm short, my legs are short, and they're, er, muscular.

First outfit: skinny jeans, navy tissue turtleneck, double breasted short sleeve ecru jacket, big girl boots in a professional setting:

There's a lot of boot there, it has to be said.

The verdict from my co-workers: silence. Not a word. Not a snarky comment, not a noise, not a peep. Deafening silence. I honestly didn't know what to make of it.

Out in public I get nothing. No feedback. Admittedly, I was tepid about where I went.

I posted the above photo on my Facebook page. The verdict from my Facebook friends: a resounding number of positive comments, both male and female, and some catcalls. Make of that what you will.

My personal take: this outfit is comfortable, the boots are fun, but all I can see are my giant thighs bulging from the tops of the boots, and it's not a look I like. I'm hoping they'll stretch more over time.

Outfit two: Frilly white blouse, black drape cardigan, charcoal leggings, big girl boots.

Note the lazy-ass spouse/photographer in the reflection; he's not feeling well the poor dear.

This outfit is much better. I look taller, thinner; more leg, less thigh. The boots have stretched a touch, and the leggings don't seem to take up as much space. Also, it's a little less contrast between boot and legging, which I prefer.

Verdict at work: still no word. I think they got used to me playing dress-up every day and have grown numb to my fashion experiments.

Personal verdict: I feel less self-conscious with this; I feel tall, and not like a "professional". Also, I got a compliment from a complete stranger when I went to lunch with Moi: "that's a nice pair of boots."

Moi says: You looked super duper hot in this outfit and now I am coveting those boots and the leggings. Poor Santa, he is getting awfully exhausted with all my requests.

MOI's OUTFITS: Please excuse the el crappo photos. I just now figured out how to turn off my flash, but not how to change the shutter speed. This was as still as I could hold the camera.

Anyhoo, I find that these boots pair best with tights and a short dress/skirt. They slouch down just slightly when I wear them with my skinny jeans, because my legs, while shapely, are, um, athletic. Add thick denim to my already 16" diameter calves, and the result is a bit of a slouch. But I have a pair of thin black denim jeans that they work perfectly with.

Paired with BCBG dusky rose tunic dress and black tights.

Paired with black CAbi skinny jeans, layered J Crew tees, and DKNY pinstriped boyfriend blazer.

Le Verdict: I feel comfortable in both outfits and in no danger whatsoever for getting hauled away for soliciting favors from cute high school boys. For that, I bring out the Louboutins.

Pirate's notes… I noticed that the boots did not hijack your look – they emphasized you in all the right places. The boot color is faaabulous in person. Too bad we don't have the same foot size...covet...covet...covet...

OVERALL VERDICT: The over the knee boot thing can be done even if you have big legs and you're short, just take care with what you tuck into them. The trick is to not under-dress on top – if you look like a hooker from the waist up, the boots will emphasize this; if you dress like a professional, the boots can add a nice long line to legs.

Good Accessories

Dear bitches, I finished.

My finishing time: 13:53. That's 13 hours, 53 minutes to take myself 140.6 miles by swimming, biking, and running. That's a personal record for me!

In my own personal tradition, I'm wearing my medal to work today. I wear it until everyone knows I finished, and then I retire it (that's about a day).

One might ask, what does one wear with a medal the size of a license plate? Well, I've opted to dress like a rockstar with my rockstar t-shirt and my skinny jeans and my military jacket. And flats.

I think it goes perfectly.

Off the Racks of Babes

So last week, my brother says to me: “Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to take my daughter, your 16-year-old niece, shopping for some fall/winter clothing.”

"Whaddya kidding Moi?" I replied. "Shopping is my middle name!"

A few seconds of silence lapsed at the other end of the line before he said to me, “Well you know how picky she is. Are you sure you’re up for it?”

Oh, yes, I assured him. You can count on Moi. I will do a mighty fine job of steering said niece into perfectly appropriate but totally cool clothing. And what was he talking about, picky? The kid lives in flip flops and tee shirts from Hollister. Should be no problem, juhzing her up a bit.

My brother then slapped me with another couple directives. Not only should the clothing be appropriate, one of the items should include a warm, practical winter coat. Also, because he is currently on a very limited budget and my niece tends to outgrow things as fast as she can roll her eyes at adults, he asked that we limit our shopping to either Target or Wal-mart, both of which do indeed have perfectly appropriate, decently made, and stylish clothing for girls.

So this past Wednesday, off we went.

First stop, Wal-Mart, where niece immediately spotted hanging on a rack in the juniors section, a totally cool, white nylon puffy bomber style jacket:


“Aunt Mmmmwahhhhhhhh,” she squealed. “That is so cooooool!”

Not for nothing this kid is my niece, and so not for nothing the Fashionista Moi part of me was just champing at the bit to concur. Luckily, I was able to mentally smack Fashionista Moi down with the promise of cruising the new arrivals at Shop Bop later this evening if she would just keep her mouth shut and allow Practical Moi to intone with grown up, Practical Moi Seriousness: “Oh, honey, no. That thing is going to get dirty in about 2.5 seconds and you’re going to whine and cry to me about it and then I am most likely going to go broke from the dry cleaning bills, because I was the one who allowed you to buy it in the first place.”

“But Aunt Moi, can I at least try it on? It’s so cooooool!”

Crap.

You just can’t fault logic like that, so yes, okay, I caved in and let her try it on, and yes, she did indeed look totally cool in it. So totally cool, in fact, that before I could stop her, Fashionista Moi came running to the fore, never mind the 5" heels, and blurted out breathlessly, “Oh. My. God. That is so cool! You look like some bored European heiress skiing Gstaad on trust fund money!"

Of course, she had no clue whatsoever what I was talking about, but that didn't matter; kid can sniff an Adult About to Give In like I can sniff out a 75 percent off sale at the Dillard's shoe department.

“So I can get it, right?” she enthused.

At which point Fashionista Moi politely begged off, pushed Practical Moi to the foreground and tip-toed away, mumbling something about having to go pour herself a drink.

The pronouncement, painful as it was, came swiftly: “No, honey. You can’t.”

Naturally, niece immediately went into Pouty McPoutster Mode and I was left holding the Bad Aunty Bag.

Then, the heavens? They parted. To magically reveal the exact same jacket, only in BLACK. I held it up enthusiastically. Still totally cool, right?

“I dunno,” said niece warily. “You don’t think I’m going to look like some biker chick in it, do you?”


This from a child who rims her eyes in jet black and has a metal arrow pierced through the left side of her lower lip? Still, she had a point.

Then the heavens, they parted a second time, this time revealing the neon-edged sign for the Miley Cyrus Max Azria Collection for Wal-Mart. Racks upon racks and stacks upon stacks of inexpensive, spot-on-trend, inexpensive, and totally cute inexpensive tee shirts and boho tops and jeans and leggings and what have you. And by the way did I mention, inexpensive?

“Honey, I tell you what. You buy the black jacket instead of the white, and I’ll chip in to buy you this way cute Miley Cyrus top, which will look totally cool underneath the jacket, sort of Rocker Chick Meets Boho Babe. Whaddya say?”



The niece, she actually squinted her eyes at me. Then she slowly walked over to another rack and after a few seconds, triumphantly procured another top. “Throw this one in and you got a deal.”


So, did I mention? The collection? Tres inexpensive. Which means my niece, she gets to be totally cute for the 2.5 seconds it takes her to outgrow her stuff and I get to have money left over for the winter shoe fund. Because my feet? They’re not growing anywhere.