Ask the Bitches: Hose Off, Eh?

In a recent e-mail, Miss La Diva Cucina asked the Bitches a question, thus offering us the perfect segue into our new blog segment entitled "Ask the Bitches." Thanks, Miss La Diva, for giving us a perfect opening.

Miss La Diva asks,

Are nylons out of style? I've not worn them in years because I live in very humid and tropical places where they are too hot but what about in places like Chicago? I thought Michelle Obama was crazy to have bare legs in the middle of winter when she was walking in the parade . . .

I used to wear tights all the time with skirts and boots but haven't worn nylons for years. I'm curious about this as I've not lived in any cold climates for 16 years but when I see these girls walking out in the middle of winter with bare legs and sandals, I think they are nuts. Why can't one be fashionable AND warm?

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PIRATE:

Thanks for your question! I love questions! I also have to expose the following facts about myself before I start in with my own personal opinions about the hoses (because we "bitches" are not experts – see disclaimer – but we are opinionated). The facts are relevant to my opinion, I promise.

Fact 1: I live in the desert, and it's just not very cold here ever. When I lived in the UK, I was constantly cold. Here, however, temperature is not so much of an issue.

Fact 2: I train a lot, so my legs have a good shape and don't need extra support – yet. They also get a certain amount of color from being outside, though I do tend to get a lot of odd tan lines. Biker tan may be sexy to the biker set, but it might not be quite so sexy to the fashion set.

Disclaimer #35: this is not the Pirate's Sock Tan. Not that there would be anything wrong with that.

Fact 3: I give way more of a shit about what other bikers think of my legs than what the fashion set thinks about my legs (I know, cyclists are weird). My sock tan is a badge of honor in my social circle, along with the road rash on my shoulder, and my Neapolitan* leg color. I worked hard to earn those things, I don't mind showing them off (at bike races, the depth of your tan is one thing that shows your competition just how hard you've been training).

Fact 4: I'm old and I don't care.

*Neapolitan legs is what happens when you have bike shorts that are different lengths, and you end up getting sunburned on a bike ride – so you have the pale "vanilla" skin at the very top of the leg, followed by a darker brown "chocolate" in the middle from riding all summer, followed by the "strawberry" sunburn at the bottom. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I'm in two minds about hoses myself, and my minds are pretty much split evenly between winter and summer.

During summer, slippery nylon (which smells bad and cuts off my middle in unattractive ways) would drive me insane. Is it just me, or do hose just make you feel like a 40 pound sausage in a 5 lb skin? I've tried some really pricey ones (DKNY comes to mind). They shredded just as fast as the cheap ones and did nothing for me except give me a uni-butt and a damned muffin top.

It gets hot here (see Fact 1), and the extra layer would do nothing for me aesthetically, except make me smell bad and maybe even out my sock tan (see Facts 2, 3, 4). I never wear anything short enough to reveal the Neapolitan tan disaster of my upper leg, so they don't help me there. My legs, though they are old, have a great shape from the upper leg down. Even if they didn't, I'm not convinced that hoses would do anything to add value for me (see Fact 4).

The winter season is different. You're likely to catch me wearing these all season:


Fashion-wise, some winter outfits do look odd with just bare legs, so then I'd say an opaque or textured tight, for effect, are good options. For example, I have an awesome kilt that looks good with textured tights. I also like certain skirts with tights and boots. Personally, I'd pick something not too dark (that dark dark black look is no longer a good look), maybe a color I could match somewhere else up top, and go with it.

Overall, I think the bare nekkid leg is more attractive than one that is encased in nylon - unless your legs are translucent and blue, and blue is not your color. I would also caveat by saying if your concerns are different from mine, then all bets are off. Michelle Obama has awesome legs, and she's worked hard for them. She also has a beautiful natural color – she went with what nature gave her, and it worked!

Also, I'm betting she had down-filled underpants on, to compensate for the DC chill . . .

Moi?

MOI:

Well, La Diva, if nylons aren't out of style they should be. Too dark. Too light. Too shiny. Too matte. They never end up looking quite right. (Although, I do make an exception for luxe silk stockings clipped to garter belts over pretty panties. But not in public.)

Here are my DOs for public:

In summer during the day: Bare legs. If one doesn’t have the legs to go bare, then wear pants.
In summer during the evening: Bare legs or fish net stockings.

In winter during the day: Opaque or textured tights, black or colored* (trust us, tights do feel different against the skin than nylon.)
In winter during the evening: Opaque black tights or fish net stockings.

* Don't be afraid of color on your legs. On the recent Project Runway All Stars show, Chris March sent some gawjuhs plaid outfits punctuated by colored tights down the runway.


Of course, it's possible to be fashionable and warm at the same time. Nothing wrong with living La Vida Loca in pants for half the year. Those who must– or like to – wear dresses in winter, are going to have to put up with the cold. But that's what central heating is for.

What about leggings? Usually, I'm of the opinion that nothing broadcasts, “I Give UP” louder than a sweat shirt and a pair of leggings worn as every day wear. Exercise in them, clean house in them, hell, sleep in them if you happen to live in Alaska, but otherwise, my opinion on leggings has always been a resounding nyet.

Today, I'm not so Draconian. If done correctly, leggings are a great way to turn a potentially hoochie mama mini dress or tunic into something fun, funky, and exceptionally wearable. Some of them are even weighty enough to substitute for skinny jeans. It’s all in how you do it. BCBG's recent Fall 2009 collection is spot on about how to do this look correctly.

So toss those nylons, ladies, toss them! Well, keep one or two for this nifty trick. Ever get that white, powdery deodorant residue on your clothing? Just rub a scrunched up pair of nylons with a vigorous but light touch over the stain, and out it goes!

PIRATE:

What Moi said. I love that picture of my dear friend Madge – very much in keeping with my hose sensibilities.

Also, I imagine my husband would completely agree with you on the stockings and garters thing, though I have not tried this myself.

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Remember, you too can ask the Bitches a question about anything fashion related, snark related, or otherwise. We'll do our best to make up some shit in response.