Just Because the Past is Calling Doesn't Mean You Should Pick Up the Phone

PIRATE: I have noticed, based on the many catalog missives in my in-box, that jumpsuits are back "in" and I think this is a topic worthy of discussion. What to do when a trend from decades past comes back from the dead: do I leap, or do I gag?

I will confess to having a jumpsuit which I wore to threads when I was about seven years old. I think back in the day, it was called a "romper." As a generous gesture, a friend's mom made three jumpsuits—two for her kids and one for me (yeah, what happened to the carefree 70's anyway? People don't do that anymore.). These were pretty special—made from yellow gingham fabric, and they had funky cool little patches all over them. I don't remember too clearly what was on the patches, probably mushrooms and rainbows and butterflies, I shudder to think. I do remember that it was love at first sight, and I wore that thing until I probably shouldn't have.

Also, my friend's mom embroidered our names on them. You can imagine what it's like when you're seven and someone has stitched your name and a rainbow and a butterfly on the pocket of your outfit: I was pretty sure these jumpsuits were endowed with superpowers. Me and my friends, we were like Charlie's Angels in our little yellow gingham jumpsuits. Come to think of it, I don't think I ever had any piece of clothing that was as special as that since then.

Anyway, apparently they are back—along with other un-killable things from the 70's vein, like maxi dresses (tell me again why it's good marketing to name a piece of clothing after a feminine product?) and cork-soled shoes.

What is that on her feet? Fuggs? GAAA!

Except the jumpsuits I'm seeing don't have butterflies sewn on them, and they're decidedly not "fun." This one does remind me of my gingham romper somewhat, except it's all growed up.

I can see that some of the available onesies are a little more sophisticated:

Oh but I do love her shoes!

This little BCBG number has a $200 price tag. It's silk, and she's hot, but uh, that's not office-wear. So which one, if I could, would be suitable to wear to the office? Maybe this one?

Could it be she is about to rip this open to reveal a more appropriate outfit?

But only because it's almost a dress, with extremely blousey legs, and the asymmetrically cut leg holes. Then again, the low straight-cut waist on this thing, is probably not so great for a mama with giant mama-type hips.

Not to mention the fact that it's $456.

What are your thoughts, oh lover-of-all-things-70's?

MOI: Aw, what a sweet story: your little seven year old self puffing up all girl power proud for your homemade yellow jumpsuit. Isn't it awesome, the way little kids can fixate on something to the point of total immersion? Sure, we adults do it, too, but perhaps not with quite the same innocent disregard for propriety.

I remember feeling the same way about a rainbow colored pair of hip-hugger elephant-legged pants that I wore all throughout 6th and 7th grade. Until my mother literally had to peel them of my body while I slept before sending them to that big clothing closet in the sky. Sniff. I miss them still.

Anyway. Yes. Jumpsuits.

Yea, though I worship at the altar of all things 1970s, I do so loathe the resurgence of the jumpsuit. I think the last time I wore one, I was, well, one. And then I grew up. To the point where my body is just a wee bit longer in the torso than it is in the leg. So wearing anything uni-tard(ed) tends to cut off my circulation starting at the crotchal area.

Obviously, I am not the only gal to whom this happens.

I loves, ya, grrrrrrl, but you gotta get a better stylist.

Ergo, my thoughts, simply, are this:

Unless you are her:

There's a double entendre lurking in here somewhere, I just know it.


Or, Her:

Dang, who do I see about coming back in my next life as Farrah Fawcett, minus the c-r-a-z-y?

Then, yo:
Just Say No to the Camel Toe

Yes, ladies, I'm talking to all y'all.

Fugly to the max, every last one of them.