forever in blue jeans

Okay, so she's in Paris. Regardless, this look is 100 percent all-American.

Like many women I know, I'm a die-hard t-shirt and jean wearer. What used to be considered "slumming it" has in the past couple decades become the quintessential day-to-day uniform. In my view, the look can be done as either fashion pyjamas, or, with the right accessories, dressed up for week day. Many a day I've shuffled into work with a modified t-shirt and jeans ensemble, girled up with heels and nice jewelry, or a classic blazer.

I'll be perfectly honest: I need another t-shirt and another pair of jeans like I need a hole in the head, or another pair of red shoes. I am always on the lookout, however, for renewed classics: updated cuts, different colors, better fits, better mousetraps. Plus, we bitches have the intention to take on a $50 outfit fashion project, so this is a good first $50 project.

I have no earthly idea what has inspired me to go looking for the perfect slouchy grey t-shirt. Maybe it's because my work wardrobe is nicely filled out while my weekend couture is seriously lacking. Perhaps it helps that so many shops are catering to this unreasonable need for new denim—here for instance is Anthropologie's "Denim Decoder" with its million be-jeansed looks. It doesn't hurt that I love taking on fashion projects, especially low-risk, low-budget ones like this. I have, for example, a long-term project that involves $30 dresses. You'd be amazed how many great dresses are out there for this guilt-free price point . . . I'll save that for another blog post.

Back to me and the unsatisfied itch and my unreasonable criteria: I want, for no good reason, the perfect slouchy grey t-shirt. I'd like a pair of perfect slouchy boyfriend jeans to go with them, but I'm not willing to pay full price for either. And when I say Perfect, I mean it: my closet is too full to put in any ill-fitting clothes. And by "not full price," I mean sale—inexpensive, but good value. The $50 price point for the outfit means I don't have to explain anything to my spouse, and we don't have to eat hot dogs.

Lots of shops I notice put the word "perfect" on their lines, so I wanted try this out to see if it really meets my standards. Does putting "perfect" on the label help me cull the herd, or does it just irritate me?

Inexpensive being my most difficult criteria, I dragged my unwilling children to me for a shopping trip to the first least common denominator shop I could think of: Old Navy.

Old Navy perfect tee

Oh how you vex me, Old Navy. This "perfect" tee looked perfect on the shelf, except that it was too slim around my big ol' arms, and a bit too blousy in the torso. Not to mention the color I was really after (the perfect shade of heather grey) was not to be found in my size anywhere in the store. I was almost willing to settle for the next best perfect color (hot pink), however, it was also not on sale. That's three in the "no" column (bad fit, wrong color, not on sale), which meant no Old Navy "perfect" t-shirt for me.

Old Navy Weekend Jean

I love pre-abused jeans. These look perfect, don't they? And at a price point of $25 on sale, they sure sounded perfect, too. Had they actually had my size I might now own a pair. Sadly, they only had one pair of the Weekend Jeans in the store, and it might have fit one of my daughters. Or not. Old Navy is kind of funny that way.

Disappointed, my only option was to keep moving up the food chain to the next best thing: the Gap, which hasn't occurred to me in a very long time. But of course I should go to the Gap for t-shirts and jeans. It's what they do best! One thing the Gap have always done in the history of being the Gap is t-shirts and jeans. And khakis. But I'm not shopping for khakis . . .

Off I went, dragging my restless young-uns on a field trip to Gap World. I promise kiddies, it will be fun! And what should greet my wandering eye at the door (after it grazed the navy wool blazers and herringbone vests)?

Gap legging jean with ankle zippers

These are not what I was looking for. They're not slouchy, they're not beat up. And yet, suddenly, I'm willing to change my goal look because (like most Gap products) these fit me. Perfectly. However, they're $69.00—kind of pricey for my project. Even so, I know from experience that the Gap is also consistent with sales: all things new eventually go on sale. Plus, the nice saleslady gave me a coupon for 40 percent off any full-priced item purchased on Wednesdays in September.

Oh. Yeah.

I almost can see my way to these because I have nothing "quite" like them in my wardrobe, and a 40 percent off sale would certainly seal the deal for me. So, while the jeans are one in the Hell Yes column and two in the not-so-fast, that means no jeans for me until next coupon day. Pout.

Gap made up for their lack of cheap denim by having perfect tees on the sale rack.

Gap Jersey v-neck tee

Gap really does not mess around with their t-shirts. Their "perfect" tees do not disappoint. I can remember a time, many eons ago, when their idea of "perfect" was not mine, but lately, they seem to stay in my closet until I kill them by wearing them to death.

I found two v-neck sun-kissed slouchy t-shirts on the sale rack in my size for $10 apiece. Perfect fit? Check. Sale price? checkity check. Perfect color? Oh yeah check me out!

I want to hate you, Gap, and your stupid perfect fitting jeans, but I cannot.

Mom, WE'RE already wearing the perfect t-shirts. When can we go for ice cream?

I know for a fact that I can spend more money on a t-shirt, and some day I'd sure like to try one of those fancy 3 Dot $40 jobs. But do I need to? Not today, when I can get instant satisfaction for $10. Okay, so it took a couple of shopping trips. But I'm all about the thrill of the hunt, me.

The jeans thing, however, is still dissatisfying. There are two Wednesdays that have to pass before I can use that coupon, and I still have no perfect jeans. So on up the food chain I go. To BCBG.

Yes, BCBG is considerably up the food chain, but my unreasonable requirement includes Perfect Fit, and in my experience, they deliver. Also, if I shop online (since I know my size), I don't have to torture my children with further trips to shopping world. They have to finish their homework, after all.

BCBG Gina Boyfriend Denim

I like nothing about these. I don't like the color, the distressing seems artificial, and the cut? The cut makes her look short, although they are on sale for $74. Woo hoo. Maybe they're better in person, when I can cuff them and slouch them—but not at that price.

BCBG distressed denim cropped

Hello, what's this! They look fitted, but not ridiculous; not too tight to be cuffed, distressed but not absurdly so, and I know my BCBG, so I have a pretty good idea of what these will look like.

Even better? They're on sale for $49 with, get this, an extra 30 percent off!

SOLD, baybee!

So that's a $10 tee-shirt plus a $35 pair of jeans - coming in pretty safely under $50. We'll try and make the next $50 project a little more challenging...

So, tell the bitches: who makes YOUR perfect t-shirt and jeans?

Key Cargo

Oh, summer, I love it so. The bone-soothing heat, my garden abundant with bloom, the trill and swoop of hummingbirds and bees, evenings lounging in the cooling shade of the front porch while burgers and sweet corn sizzle on the grill. I love working up a lathery sweat during a mid-morning run and then dousing the flames with the icy jolt of a swim. I love the extended twilight lit evenings and the acrid scent of pine and sage in the early a.m. walks with the dogs. I love just about everything, in fact, about summer.

Except, dressing for it.

Sure, flirty skirts and silky jersey dresses will float my boat for a while, but it doesn't take long for me to get tired of what is basically an endless parade of tee shirts and sandals and sweat. Eventually, I start longing for the feel of cashmere and wool and leather against my skin.

Because I was cruising on the grogginess that comes from two day's worth of sleep-deprivation, I spent this weekend doing little else than surfing the sofa with a Housewives of New Jersey marathon and dreaming about my fall wardrobe. And, in that dreaming, decided that one of the key pieces I simply must have this season is a pair of skinny-legged cargo pants.

Why? I have no idea. That's like questioning the existence of the universe or why Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are still together in spite of her obvious bat shit craziness and seeming inability to to quit draping her body in caftans every time she steps out in public. There is no logical reason for these things; one simply has to trust that they just are.

I do dig the "respect my authoritah" vibe she's got going on with the sunglasses, though.

Anyway.

Off to the 'net I went to investigate, with the plan to scout said items out in person on Monday.

The first pair I came across were these, from Macy's:

wow, she looks awesome from the waist down!

Good cut, good color, great price, but when I put them on, I discovered to my dismay that the rise was way too high. Because I am long in the body with a teensy waist and big-ass hips, I must be outfitted in a relatively low rise pant. Otherwise, I look like I've been caught stealing a watermelon, like Mischa here.

Mischa, Mischa, Mischa. Though art such a fair lass.
Whyfore then doth thou insist on making thyself look like utter crap?

Next, I skeddadled on over to Anthropologie. Yes, yes, I know we Bitches bitch often and bitch loudly about the endlessly twee, sometimes way-the-hell-overpriced, and oftentimes weirdly-fitting offerings of Anthropologie. And yesterday's visit didn't disappoint, as witness this terribly pretty dress by Moulinette Soeurs, which I just HAD to try on because, seriously, it would look totally awesome with my DKNY Travis Bickle jacket, some textured hose, and black booties.

...and it's exactly the right shade of Disney-barf print!

Alas, the thing is built for a freakin' linebacker, with a cavernous gape at the bodice and a skirt so tight, I'd have to go up two sizes to make it fit and then spend a gazillion dollars to have my tailor take in the top. For 150 bucks? Not. Worth. The effort.

Neither is this seemingly lovely confection called the Thousand and One Ways Wrap, but which requires waaaaay too much fussing and adjusting for something that, in the end, is just a sweater vest.

How about a thousand and one 'no's?

However, let me sidetrack a bit to tell you that this Dreamy Drape Dress IS all that and a bag of chips. Unfortunately, I need another jersey draped dress like I need a hole in my head, so I just walked away. Yes, I did.

Rest assured, however; I WILL be stalking this beauty on Le eBay.

So, where was I? Oh, yes. Cargoes. I went into Anthropologie to try on CARGOES.

Le sigh. I miss M.A.S.H.

First up, these J Brand Houlihan Cargos. Perfection on the bod. On the wallet? Not so much. Two hundred eighty smackers for a pair of pants? Not only is that bank-account endangering, it's also downright dumb.

These Pachacuti's were likewise very flattering (my ass actually looked, for once, like a proper runner's ass), and the price was right, but the crop fell in a weird spot at my ankle that wasn't about to work with either booties or flats.

Ass-cargos...What a concept!

Double le sigh. Looks like I was running out of options. Thankfully, however, I am easily distracted by all manner of objects and that distraction came along in the nick of time.

These Pilcro stretch cord leggings in a totally of-the-moment inky blue-grey hue and thin wale corduroy fit more like a pair of super skinny jeans and boast just the right rise for my bod to boot. The best thing about them is that they offer the slimming effect of a regular jersey legging, but with a much more substantial fabric, so that I don't have to worry about constantly tugging my tunic over my ass to cover panty lines.

These are ass-tastic!

Yes, readers, I bought them.

Soon, soon, my pretty little leggings, I'll introduce you to my suede over-the-knee boots, cashmere sweaters, school boy blazers, and vintage leopard print scarves. And all will be right with Moi's fashion world once again.

Of course, I know they're not cargoes. But they'll do until the right pair come along . . .

So, tell the bitches, what is your one (or, okay, two or three) wardrobe must-haves for fall?

jonesing out loud

Now that the days are getting a little shorter, it's time for a young girl's fancy to turn to other, more practical things. Like getting awesome deals at end-of-summer sales, and drooling over fall collections.

Bitches are always looking to update or improve on the wardrobe classics. This might or might not explain why Pirate has three pairs of red shoes in the shoe closet right now. If you, too, are looking to update, replace, or freshen up your classics, 6pm is having a sale right now on BCBGeneration items.

...and if I didn't already have 3 pair, I might have 4.

For example, those shoes are $20. Right now.

No, we are not getting paid to tell you this. Yes, there are some killer sales. I'm not kidding. Go see already!

Karen Millen has started teasing us with some fall things that Pirate will be putting on the wish list. Like this tailored jacket.

Yes I know it's a motorcycle jacket - but LOOK at it!

Karen Millen also managed to put two of Pirate's favourite things into one gorgeous item. Behold, the awesomeness that is the Draped Military Cardi.

Draped and Military - that's like putting peanut butter with chocolate. Or cherry with coke.

In fact, Moi is hugging herself silly that the military trend into which she dipped her toes last fall/winter, continues into this one. However, if only she would learn to save her pesos for one, maybe two seasonal purchases and not fritter away money here and there throughout the year on SALES, she would now be the proud owner of this lovely number, also from Karen Millen's Fall/Winter 2010 Modern Military line.

This dress certainly DOES leave one wondering just what in the heck Karen Millen does in her free time. Ah-hem.

Moi is also slavering over these here hammered silk "combat" pants, or in Brit parlance, trousers.

I hear London Calling, don't you?

At the totally opposite end of the spectrum, Moi is also Jonesing for something furry, like this faux coyote vest by Michael Kors:

Oh hush. 'Round here, they're varmints.

And she would definitely buy into Ralph Lauren's whole 2010 "Bohemian Romance" line hook, line, and sinker, if only she weren't broke, broker, and brokest.

Floaty silks and lush velvets and scrumptious cashmere, oh my!

However, since Pirate really only sees the appeal of Ralph Lauren's pants, she is instead cruising the jCrew website—trying hard not to take advantage of the extra 30 percent off sale plus free shipping over $150.

It may be 90 degrees out, but I'm sure eventually it's going to get chilly again.

As with the shoes, there is always room in the wardrobe for another cardi. Or ruffled top. Or shiny, be-ribboned necklace-y thingee.

proof that I am not a tomboy

Moi and I have been lusting over a certain pair of shoes, and I have finally bit the bullet. I own these bad girls.

When first I saw them, I admit I was overwhelmed by the proportions: that's a big-ass platform. Next to all the other shoes at the shoe store, these are enormous. They are also 100% girl: peep-toe, hot red, and a stiletto that could injure an intruder, should it be necessary to defend oneself.

On the plus side, the proportion of that platform means these big girls are way comfortable. They look like they should be excruciating, and they are not.


Photographer: Hey, she's 8. She's doing her best.
Setting: Needs a good clean. Anyway.
T-shirt: Hanes
Skirt: BCBG
Necklace: Anthropologie
Shoes: Jessica Simpson "Astor"

FYI, they also look great next to a pair of cycling shoes.

well heeled

Dear Bitches:

What is up with this "thing" you have for high-heeled shoes?

Signed,

I Don't Get It.

* * *

Dear I Don't Get It:

We here at the Bitches get asked that question a lot. In the interest of explaining ourselves—and possibly luring over those poor souls who have yet to experience the joy of a 4" high peep toe pump—we have hereby posted a handy little FAQ to answer all the crazy questions you might have about us and the "shoe thing."

Why do you insist on wearing heels? What's wrong with a good, solid flat?

PIRATE: I never used to like heels. I used to be one of those Flat Is Better For Your Body people. I used to believe that anything that went higher than 0.001 inches was going to wreck me for life.

Well, it turns out that is not true. I wear heels several days a week, and run 20+ miles a week, and the two go together nicely (FYI, if my calves are shredded from hill work, heels are a great antidote). Shoe people these days seem to have a better understanding of how feet are made, and what women do in their shoes. They are not all evil!

MOI: Actually, flats in my opinion can be very difficult to wear. Nine times out of ten, they turn legs into tree stumps. Heels, quiet frankly, show off your legs to their best advantage. Plus, flats are for quitters.

But don't they hurt your feet?

PIRATE: Let me be frank: heels are not like flat shoes. The angle is awkward at first and does take some getting used to. Some heels are fine for wearing around the office, some are okay for working in all day. Others are what I heard a salesperson at Alexander McQueen call Dinner Shoes—you can wear them long enough to make it from the cab to the curb to the dinner table, but that's about it. Oprah calls them "TV Shoes," i.e. you wear them to look good on television. And then you go to your dressing room and put on your bunny slippers.

I think many people shy away from heels because they think wearing them is just one step below Japanese foot-binding. The antidote? Money. Simply put, good shoes cost money. Cheaper shoes are often not well made, which means they do not take into consideration the support required to cradle the human foot. Ergo, they tend to fit badly, which can mean too wide at the heel and too narrow in the toes.

Some of your favorite flat shoe makers make some really good heels these days. For example, Born make some good looking shoes that are wide in the toe box, with a substantial heel. Cole Haan have incorporated Nike Air technology into some very elegant looking shoes. Terra Plana makes some beautiful shoes that have flexible platforms. All of these are more expensive than your average PayLess special. If you like the look and you like your feet, spend the cash. No need to go broke, either. I shop carefully, and buy good shoes when they're on sale.

MOI: I would simply add that where comfort is concerned, save the stilettos for dinner or for those days at work where you remain largely shackled to your desk. Otherwise, look for a stacked or chunkier heel. If you do choose a stiletto, look for one with a forefoot platform (see below). That giant platform means that the angle between the heel and the ball of the foot isn't as painful as it looks.

The ne plus ultra of the stiletto pump: Christian Louboutin. Dribble. Drool.



The retro allure of a chunkier heel in, left to right: a spectator-style peeptoe; a slingback; a Mary Jane; an Oxford, and a classic pump.

An example of a stacked heel peep toe: The Jessica Simpson Astor that both Bitches currently covet for fall. Note as well: le platform for added support and stability.

Anna Sui is one of many designers that makes gorgeous boots with very comfortable lasts and sensible-yet-still-sexy stacked heels. This is what Moi calls a Buy Once and Fuggedaboutit Style. In other words, it may cost you a pretty penny up front, but because the construction is so good and the style so classic, you'll wear it until you die.

But you gals are runners—aren't you afraid you'll mess up your feet?

PIRATE: Well, I tend not to wear high heels when I am running, and so, I don't really have an issue.

All kidding aside, I have a desk job in which I sit on my ass all day. I don't really need to use my feet much, and so I can get away with quite a lot. Even so, I pick shoes that I can wear in my job. I only wear my big girl shoes at work—pretty much all of the rest of the time, I wear flats or no shoes, and stretch my feet and Achilles tendons often. Heels do tend to shorten your Achilles tendon, which you will notice when you're doing hill running (like we do). I compensate for this by stretching on a calf board for a few minutes every day. I also don't necessarily wear tall heels every work day of the week—I alternate with flatter shoes.

MOI: Uh, yup.

Okay, but, aren't they bad for your lower back?

PIRATE: Only if you don't take care of your lower back. As I say, I stretch, I run, I eat well, I sleep well. I take care of my body. High heels alone should not cause any physical pain in your lower back. If you are experiencing physical pain due to your shoes, you may have problems that you should seek professional help for.

MOI: Ditto.

I am not a sex-kitten. Why would I want to wear sexy shoes?

PIRATE: I'm not a sex-kitten either! But I do like to feel attractive and confident when I get dressed in the morning.

Let me see if I can explain what the heeled look does for me, in the basic terms in which it was explained to me:

* You are short.
* You have short legs.
* Using your own eyeball, which do you think is aesthetically more attractive: short and short, or tall and skinny?
* Do you want to look tall and skinny?
* Heels will make you look tall, and skinny. And sexy.

Sexy is a bonus—I really wasn't looking for sexy, but it turns out, I like looking sexy.

If you're one of those beautiful gamine women with legs up to her Adam's apple, good for you—show it off! Some of us don't have those assets, still want to look tall and skinny, and need a little help. Heels are the fastest way there.

MOI: We Bitches are also fans of a strong-looking leg. Heels do tend to show off more leg muscle than a flat shoe—so it's a look that works for us.

So, other than looking tall and skinny and muscle-ey, what's your payoff?

PIRATE: I get a lot of compliments about my shoes, and a compliment can make the difference between a piss-poor day and a really good day. I really enjoy it when someone says something nice about my shoes—and it's amazing how many women are fellow shoe whores. We are not alone! When someone say something nice to me, I feel taller (and I look taller).

MOI: Because more than any other fashion item in existence, shoes are transformative. Regardless of your height, weight, color, or religious affiliation, there's a shoe that fits. Not only that, a shoe can transform your outfit, taking something that is essentially blah to bam! in an instant. If you don't believe me, go try on your favorite jeans with a sneaker. Then a pump. See what I mean? Look, we're not talking shoes as serious therapy. If you have self esteem or other issues, get yourself to a good cognitive behavioral therapist. Get a couple sessions under your belt. THEN go shopping.

You are clearly asking for trouble wearing those big stripper shoes. You look like a hooker, fer cryin' out loud!

PIRATE: You know, in between compliments on my shoes, I do feel the occasional catty stare from women who look like they are judging me (especially when the Over The Knee Boots come out of the closet). Ladies, that's kinda rude: just because I'm wearing cougar print shoes does not mean I'm out to steal your husband (I have one of my own and one is enough, thank you very much), and it doesn't mean that I'm a trashy slut. Besides, why should you care anyway?

From my perspective, when you're a short engineer person who works with a bunch of engineers, wearing shoes that make you look a little like a Mexican pole dancer from the ankles down keeps you from falling into the Great Vortex of Frump. It also keeps my co-workers guessing.

MOI: Try not to judge a person by her shoes. Just because you don't like her shoes, doesn't mean she is evil. They are just shoes. Unless, of course, they are Crocs. Then by all means, judge away.

I only like shoes that look like lesbian shoes.

PIRATE: Good for you. Next?

Okay, okay, you've convinced me. I need to let my inner Dita Von Teese out for some air. How do I start?

PIRATE AND MOI: Low and slow! Try something square and stacked and about 1 to 1.5 inches high. A kitten heel is good, as is a low wedge. Wear them in slowly and alternate throughout the day with flats.

Helllloooooo, kitty! A kitten heel, with the added bonus of being an animal print—our favorite kind!

A low-heeled pump in a tres chic color.

Flirty retro fun in a comfy, low-heeled wedge.

Gradually add height and before you know it, you, too, could have a "shoe thing" of your own. We promise, you'll be glad you do.

you should learn how to say no

I love Courtney Love. Yes, I do. Sure, the girl is a wee bit bat shit crazy, but she's also mega talented, as witness the vivid, punch-to-the gut feminist ethos of Live Through This and the glossy denouncement of all that sparkles and tarnishes in 21st Century Hollyweird that is Celebrity Skin. I even adore the tragically ravaged America's Sweetheart, although I am as yet too scared to fully crack open Nobody's Daughter.

So, yeah, wail and pound away, Courts. Sturm und drang and bang and strum. Babylon on Twitter and rant and rave on Facebook in full-on stream of consciousness nonsensical noise.

But, please! Do not. Start. A fashion. Blog.


Shit. Too. Late.

What Courtney Wore Today

Read Fashionista.com's hilarious deconstruction here, although they fail to mention the blog's most laugh-inducing facet: The three (?) people hired to actually write this thing (or is it Courtney herself, in all her addled glory? who knows?) pause midway through their slavish ramblings to devote one entire post to explaining that they are, in fact, ackshully edukated, in spite of the fact that none of them seem capable of forming a coherent sentence much less spelling something like, oh, I dunno, LOUBOUTIN, correctly.

French Fried

Not only does J. Crew owe us Bitches at least a couple of gift certificates for the amount of virtual ink we continually spill over their sartorial offerings, so does BCBG.

I'm a big believer in finding one or two labels that season after season come out with pieces that flatter your body type, skin color, and pocketbook. For me, that label is BCBG. Probably half the stuff in my closet comes from this clothing brand, founded by French/Tunisian designer, Max Azria, who along with his wife, Lubov, helms the global fashion house BCBGMAXAZRIA.

BCBG stands for "bon chic, bon genre," which in Parisian slang means, "good style, good attitude." I would have to agree. While the brand does put out some pricey items (their shoes rarely retail for under $200 a pair, for instance, and I usually need oxygen to even look at the price tags for the Runway line), the majority of their pieces are well within the average working gal's budget. They are also beautifully made, exceptionally versatile, and manage the neat trick of being both on-trend for the season and yet also wearable year after year.

Best of all, unless you must have something NOW, as in, right this second or you're gonna die (which, you know, does happen on occasion), there is no need to pay full retail. BCBG is famously sale-happy, both at their outlets and on-line. Keep checking back and you can bet that the $150.00 boyfriend blazer you eyed last week will be slashed anywhere from 30 to 70 percent next month (what that says about the true cost of clothing production is a subject for another post, so for now, I'll just, la, la, la, la, la.)

Anyway. I just got BCBG's Pre-Fall 2010 notice. Yes. Fall. Because when it's 95 degrees outside with at least three full months more of sweat-producing weather to wade through, the stores are chock-a-block full of sweaters and boots. The fashion industry, it is just like Australia: it operates upside down and counterclockwise.

Here's what I'm lemming for so far:

I'm always intrigued by the expressions on these models' faces.
This one seems to be saying:
"Hmmmm . . . that looks like a quarter down there on the floor. Or is it one of those new dollar coins?"

And this cozy/chic lil' number:


Because in the winter? When I start stuffing my face and holing up in front of a full season of fall television? Nothing hides a holiday goody-induced extra 10 pounds like a floaty knit, some tights, and a pair of booties.